Yesterday was my first day back to work. I must admit that I really didn't want to go back, not in the least bit, not at all. But I had to go back, and it really wasn't that bad.
Don't get me wrong, I love my co-workers, my friends at work. For the last few weeks leading up to Hannah's birth when I was so stressed out everyone took care of me. They listened to my worries and assured me that she would be okay and that whatever happened they would be there for me. When Hannah was born they all came to celebrate and congratulate! They decorated my postpartum room for me, everyone came in to visit, I felt immensely loved!
Then I went home.
I missed my friends at work for the first several days. I spent the first 3 weeks or so of my maternity leave texting my work buddies. I felt a little lonely, a little left out of all the excitement at work. Eventually it wore off.
I live in a weird world. I desire to be a stay at home mom, yet I desire to be at work. I'm sure there are several thousands of women out there just like me. When I'm home I'm happy, I've really learned to embrace my home and my family and my roles as a wife and mother while I've been on maternity leave this time. There was no stress of, "I have to get all this done today because I have to work tomorrow and then have a ton of stuff to do the next day" stuff. I didn't worry about how little sleep I was getting because it's not like I had to wake up before the sun and go be responsible for 8 perfect strangers for 12 hours. When I'm home I'm only responsible for my family, and it's okay if I'm a little tired, cranky, foggy, late. Theres's laundry and cooking and cleaning and kids, but there is no charting.
Man I hate charting.
When I'm at work I'm happy. I have my friends, some of them like family. We chat, we catch up, we help each other out, we suffer together when it's tough. There are wonderful families that I get to take care of, they welcome me into their lives for a brief bit of it and I enjoy it, most of the time. Sometimes I get to be present at the birth of babies, that is probably my favorite. It's exciting, terrifying, emotional. We may be extremely busy some days, I get tired and I really don't want to do another delivery, but then I go and I watch a new person take their very first breaths and the parents cry and it's worth it. It's fun to spend time with the new parents, watch them learn to care for their new baby, answer their questions and teach them how to change a diaper, feed and burp their baby, it's fun, except for the charting.
Sometimes I feel like I have two personalities. Well, not two different personalities, but there are two halves of me. The work me is better organized, more disciplined, generally more professional and courteous, the home me is more laid back, lazier, easily distracted, ditzy and sometimes a little cranky. But I'm happy at both places. And I'm fun at both places. I use humor at work to make it through the day, I use kid humor at home to make it through the day. I do thrive on being around my work friends, you can tell when I've been off for several days because I talk non-stop, I need to be in on every conversation, I'm a little starved for adult interactions. I also need quiet time at home, not talking to everyone about everything, just sitting on the couch cuddling my kids or folding laundry.
I wrestle with this from time to time, wondering if I'm doing the right thing by working. I'm a good nurse, I'm good at what I do, am I as good at being a mom? I feel like I'm learning to be a good mom, it's a constant work in progress. It's easier to be a nurse than a mom. For one thing, I had four years of training to be a nurse. I had to pass a test, I'm licensed. I have proficiencies and skills I need to keep up to date at work. I'm just kind of winging this whole mom thing. It's more like on the job training. But it's the most important job I have, being a wife and mother. And I'm learning to work as hard at that as I do at work. So maybe this whole work thing, this whole being a nurse thing can help me be a good mom. I guess maybe that's why I work. I like work, I love being a mom. And at home, there is no charting.
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